Soilman's Allotment Blog

The speed freeze race

Went away for a few days and came back to this. Extraordinary how fast everything grows when you're not there to harvest it.

So now it's a dash to get it all in the freezer. Can't possibly eat a whole bucket of vegetables fresh – more's the pity.

Divine joke

Amazing how well vegetables grow when you don't like them much. Though I eat beetroot, I can't pretend it's my favourite. So naturally it grows like a weed for me.

Carrots, on the other hand, I'm passionate about. And of course they grow feebly.

This is God's wicked sense of humour at work.

Flood zone plea: Send more rain

The celeriac I put out in April is a bit iffy. The plants got black fly in early May. Then they got celery leaf miner. By the time I noticed, they'd already been set back.

The trouble with celeriac is that it needs a lot of water. I'm now sloshing the stuff all over it every evening after work and I'm going bananas. In the south east, it's got very dry.

I know I'm going to regret this, but here goes.

Dear God: Please send rain.

Growing vegetables you don't like

Parsnips look good. Just as well, given the aggro of getting them to seedling size.

I do wonder every year why I bother. I mean, I don't even like them that much.

Come to think of it, I don't like squashes or courgettes much, either. Yet I grow them religiously every season.

Anyone else daft enough to be growing veg they don't even like? Or does this mark me out as a terminal sadster?

Choked with disappointment

OK, so I altered this artichoke pic a little. Humour me. What's a few manipulated pixels between friends?

They said jerusalem artichokes were easy. They said artichokes would grow anywhere. Well, it's bollocks. Half of mine haven't emerged. The ones that have are slow, lumpen and... charmless. They put me in mind of Ed Balls.

Anyone else have difficulties with artichokes? Or are you going to torment me with how absurdly easy you find them?

Prepare for boarding

Thought I'd give you a brief glimpse of the sordid Soilman reality, rather than the carefully posed pictures.

My parsnips took seven weeks to emerge – a new record. Here they are, thinned and ready... but smothered in weeds. A day or two more in this weather and they'll be swamped. Just haven't had time to sort them out.

Suppose I should be grateful they germinated at all. Instead, I'm kicking myself for being a neglectful allotmenteer.

Copper-bottomed plotter

Hurrah! Celeriac plants are out on the plot. Left them under a fleece tunnel for a week to get fully acclimatised to allotment conditions.

Talking of which, it's not just the plants that need hardening off. After my massive dig-and-weed-a-thon on Saturday, I have a seriously stiff arse. Sitting down is posing problems.

Wasn't aware gardening exercised the gluteus muscles so effectively. It's yet another benefit of the madcap funster allotment lifestyle.

Soilman: Buns of steel.

Rained off and pissed off

Intellectually, I know March is a crap month. Always has been, always will be. Yet hope springs eternal - goddammit.

You see, it's not the despair. I can cope with the despair. It's the hope.

Anyway, the weather is so spectacularly appalling that indoor gardening is the only option. I've been potting up my celeriac and okra seedlings. Dull, dull, dull.

Celeriac 2007: RIP

Here's the last of 2007's root crops. They achieved a good size in the end, despite the grotty weather.

I could lie to you and say I'll cook them in some exotic gourmet dish. Truth is, I'm bored shitless by celeriac. We've been eating it for months. So this lot's going to another home.

I end up giving away something like 20% of the vegetables I grow; I can't bear chucking stuff on the compost, and there's only so much you can face during the gluts.

Does this sound particularly generous or mean to other vegetable gardeners? How much do you give away?

Pride before the fall?

Ready or not, it's all about to kick off. And actually, I am ready. For once.

Except for those leeks by the water tank, I've cleared the winter veg; I harvested the last bucket of celeriac and carrots today. Best of all, I've dug the whole plot and manured everything bar the roots bed.

It's raining now, of course, but this morning was gorgeous. The sun shone (sort of – nothing to write home about), and it reached 16C. Can't say fairer than that for mid March.

My early potatoes went in last weekend, so the Soilman allotment regime is bang on schedule.

All far too good to be true; something ghastly is sure to happen any minute.