Soilman's Allotment Blog

Lies of the land

I took this photo to deceive you. It wasn't easy finding an angle that hid the truth... which is that these okra are shit.

But my conscience hurts, so here are the facts.

Confession 1: These aren't the okra plants I grew from seed. Those died. Why? Haven't a clue. They just keeled over one day. The bastards.

Confession 2: I didn't even grow these myself. They were kindly donated by an allotment colleague.

Confession 3: I planted them out without hardening them off. So they immediately wilted and have barely recovered.

So okra has been an oustanding Soilman success story. Not.

Growing vegetables you don't like

Parsnips look good. Just as well, given the aggro of getting them to seedling size.

I do wonder every year why I bother. I mean, I don't even like them that much.

Come to think of it, I don't like squashes or courgettes much, either. Yet I grow them religiously every season.

Anyone else daft enough to be growing veg they don't even like? Or does this mark me out as a terminal sadster?

Okra update

Please wait...

Copper-bottomed plotter

Hurrah! Celeriac plants are out on the plot. Left them under a fleece tunnel for a week to get fully acclimatised to allotment conditions.

Talking of which, it's not just the plants that need hardening off. After my massive dig-and-weed-a-thon on Saturday, I have a seriously stiff arse. Sitting down is posing problems.

Wasn't aware gardening exercised the gluteus muscles so effectively. It's yet another benefit of the madcap funster allotment lifestyle.

Soilman: Buns of steel.

Nonsense about me

This is one of my onion sets. Sprouting at last!

But it's not the reason I'm posting. Lucy at the Smallest Smallholding has tagged me to answer some questions. So here goes:

What Was I Doing 10 Years Ago?
I'd just become a magazine editor for the first time. I was a few months into it and starting to realise that nothing I'd done thitherto remotely prepared me for the job.

My To Do List for Today/Diary of What I Actually Did
Sow carrots. I'm staggeringly late with the early carrots this year. Been meaning to sow them for about two weeks... but keep not having the time. And I failed again tonight.

Snacks I Enjoy
Halva, Bombay mix, chocolate. Had no interest in chocolate whatsoever until my 35th birthday, when some mysterious chocaholic gene switched itself on. Now this addiction is threatening my sanity.

Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire
Quit the allotment, buy a place with a VAST garden and become an urban peasant. Total self-sufficiency, full-on organo-fascism.

Three of My Bad Habits
Arriving early (for everything), colourful language, detail-blindness

Five Places I Have Lived
Dorset, Oxford, London, eastern France. Oh, and Swindon (the Glamour Years)

Five Jobs I Have Had:
Bus conductor (number 11, Fleet Street to Putney), waiter ("More cherry cake, Madam?"), life insurance salesman (total sales: 1 policy, later cancelled), teacher, journalist

Five People Who Write Interesting Blogs That I’d Like to Tag (but don't bother if you've done it already or don't have time):

• Laura at mas du diable
• Welsh girl 
• Gina at My Skinny Garden 
• Kayle Garkut 
• Greenmantle at Quotidian

The touch of okra

Still not convinced the doomed okra will survive. I've read all you Australian bloggers saying they need hot, dry conditions. Not exactly what these shores are famous for.

But as you can see, they're still alive – for now. So there's still a flicker of dangerous hope. I'm now enjoying a Gladiator-style dream in which I stroll through a field of perfect okra, my fingertips lightly feathered by their topmost leaves in the rosy light of a summer evening.

Which shows I know sod-all about okra. Apparently the leaves are as rough as a badger's arse.

National weeding week

No need to pinch yourself, reader. This is not an illusion. The sun is shining and I have got out of the house.

Jeez, I was even warm enough to take off my jacket – at 8.00am. After the deluge of the last few weeks, I felt like Noah on Mount Ararat.

It was all frighteningly productive. I planted onion sets. I trimmed borders. I dug seed beds.

And of course, I weeded. Famous though I am for my can-do, glass-is-half-full attitude (Ed: Er, hello?), I can't help feeling pretty cheated here. I mean, we've had the March from Hell and nothing's grown... but the plot's already getting choked with groundsel and couch.

It is, in short, a very weedy sort of Spring. Anyone else got this problem, too?

Bhindi balls-up

This is my 2008 season car crash. It's okra. And here's the thing: I know it won't work.

Most years I attempt an exotic – or at least, something vaguely out of the ordinary. Nine times out of 10, it fails miserably.

For what it's worth, okra apparently needs a long growing season (so says my work colleague, who used to grow it in Mumbai). So I'm bringing it on indoors until it's warm enough to plant out. Anyone have any okra tips??

My hopes are not high. Ladies and gentleman, I bring you... this year's miserable failure.

Promises, promises

I have three hippeastrums flowering at the same time and I'm thrilled.

Shame I can't say the same about the vegetable plot. Haven't been since Saturday. No point – it's deader than a dead thing in a cemetery.

It even looks a bit like a cemetery. Give me a few mourners and a hearse and you'd never know the difference.

This weekend, though, it's going to be different. The potatoes are definitely going in. I'll finish the digging and edging. I may even hoe weeds and plant onion sets.

And pigs might fly.

Most excellent, dude

Very flattered to be given a vote of confidence by Melinda at Elements in Time. I'd like to thank my wife, my agent and my pussycat.

Ashamed to say I'm ducking the challenge of naming 10 other excellent blogs. Seems invidious to pick out 'specials' from so many great bloggers. Suffice to say that every site in my 'Other Blogs' list has my implicit approval. I enjoy them all.

Seeing as it's still winter, and I still can't sow seed seriously (wow, get that alliteration), I'm reduced to posting more flower pix. Check out this gorgeous Paphiopedilum orchid:

PS I'm aware this is a vegetable gardening blog. Honest. Cut me some slack here.